The grieving stage was introduced to me by a fellow chronic illness fighter and at first it sounded weird. But then I understood why you would grieve... because you have lost the ability to control your body.. you have lost something that is yours and for some people, their body never comes back.
So, there are stages of my illness where I enter different modes. Modes of anger, depression, sadness, frustration, venting, crying, despair or all of them at once. This week I have been in the frustration, venting and a little of the depressive mode.
I get angry because this illness robs you of your life. I have the lost the right to be a normal young adult.. I do not get to go out as much as I would like to... Half the reason being because I don't have as much money as those around me because I work casual , not part time of full time because I physically am unable to. Not because I have the choice. The other half being the fact that I am tired 99% of the time and when I do go out, it is upsetting, frustrating and embarrassing that I have to go home early because my body screams at me to go home and lay down. This is only SOME of the reasons as to how it robs your life, there are more, but I do not want to get into that.
I did NOT ask for this illness which now essentially controls half of my life. I have learnt to not let it completely control me but like everyone healthy and not, when you go so long being strong there is a time where you break down and just let it all out. After this grieving period, I pick my broken pieces up and I start anew until I have another bad week or day and this process starts all over again.
With that said, I did have a better day today and I look forward to a relaxing Saturday night trying to get rid of the last of these thoughts of the week, ready for a new and hopefully better week.
Love and spoons to all,